This is Real
by Skeptikk
Summary: If he'd said no, would she have forgiven him? Would he have forgiven himself? All he wanted was someone by his side, but did that mean throwing away those that'd always believed in him? He never had a choice before, but now it's one he must make.


**This is Real**

He didn't remember when things had turned out this way; grown so twisted. He'd never had to think about it before. It was merely something he'd never wanted, so it'd never crossed his mind. Uncharted territory, you could call it. He'd heard the stories- no, the _tragedies_. Nothing good came from this sort of thing; that was what he'd always been taught. For him, it should have been easier than anything. He couldn't see, therefor temptation did not exist to him. His personality was bitter, which kept others away from him. He'd had everything figured out, and no cat doubted him when he claimed that love was for those with bees in their brains. For a cat to ever find out, for him to ever **ADMIT** to having such feelings now would be like watching Lionblaze lose in a battle. Jayfeather knew what this suffocating weight in his chest was. It was love, yes, but something more. Something called disappointment.

Because as much as he longed for the cat he loved, he knew it was wrong. It was oh so horribly _wrong_. He would let himself down and his clanmates, not to mention Starclan would never forgive him. Was this how his mother had felt? Over all the seasons; every night he'd spent hating her ever since Hollyleaf revealed the truth- was this how she'd felt too? This crushing shame and frustration? No longer could he control his pent-up emotions, for who was he to confide in as a medicine cat who was considering breaking the Warrior Code in more ways than one? Surely not Lionblaze. No, of course not. Jayfeather knew how Lionblaze had once felt about Heatherpool, but his brother had conquered that obstacle on his own. Why couldn't he be as strong?

The tom swallowed as his paws trekked across the puddle-strewn field. The wind whipped overhead, biting at his skin, trying to distract him from the troubled waves of feeling in his chest and stomach. It reminded him that, if he said yes tonight, not even the wind would accompany him. He would be all on his own aside for the cat who would stay by his side. He knew everything would be alright if he had her there. Her scent, her voice, that proud step she always took as if to say that she wasn't afraid to jump first, and the feeling of her fur against his own; all of it, all of _her_ was enough to make him give up everything. And Jayfeather wanted so badly, so desperately, to follow after her and throw everything away for the love they shared, but he knew he could never convince himself that it was right. Not only the duty that tied him to his clan, but the fact that he was all Lionblaze had left. There was still the prophecy to consider, and though Jayfeather knew that fate was a given and whatever he did would turn out to lead him onto the right path either way, he could not bring himself to take that risk if it meant hurting his brother even more.

The tom stopped by the Shadowclan border and scented the air before pushing on. For once, he did not bother thinking up an excuse to use if he got discovered. In fact, he rather wished he would, and that they might do him the favor of sending him to Starclan before he made the biggest mistake of his young life. Jayfeather knew he would regret this for the rest of time. Even when he one day would fade into the sky like his sister, this day would forever haunt him. It would hurt, he knew, but that was why he was doing his best not to think about it; the aftermath, that is. The idea of coping with a gouged wound was not the most pleasant thought, even for a medicine cat of his abilities.

Jayfeather knew it was no one's fault. After all, emotions are not something that can be controlled. You can keep yourself from letting them out, but that doesn't stop you from feeling them. Why was it that the real victims were always the ones blamed? How easy did everyone else think it was to just backup and say no? Did any of them even -know- what it was like to fall in love impossibly? Didn't they know this feeling of desperation, helplessness, and yearning? Jayfeather wanted to compare it to throwing a mouse just a whisker's length out of reach of a starving cat, but he knew it was more than that. It was a burning feeling, a sharp passion and rage at being held back from what he could not restrain himself from wanting. Perhaps it was the tom inside of him that felt such a fierce need to protect the feelings he had, but Jayfeather could not help but feel that Starclan was partially responsible. Yes, they didn't have all the power in the world, but would they really think less of him for feeling something he was not meant to?

His claws dug into the earth as he heard the soft rush of water up ahead. His heartbeat was pounding with the sudden emotion flooding his veins. He knew his eyes must've grown dilated, for his breath was coming up short. He could smell her; that soft scent of the river lingering on her fur. He'd seen her in his dreams, or were they her dreams? Jayfeather could no longer remember, nor did he bother to distinguish. They had met there so many times that it no longer mattered. All he could sense was her presence; warm, real, always something he could be sure of. He choked slightly and forced himself to carry on until his paws met with the twoleg bridge. The sky hung a heavy gray overhead, and he knew the Riverclanner had picked up on his anxiety.

**"Jay, you didn't have any trouble leaving camp, did you?"**

Swallowing the dryness in his throat, he shook his head, unable to look her in the eye. Even if he couldn't see her face, he would imagine it in his mind, and it would burn all the more into his already seared memory.

**"Oh, good…."**

She sighed, a soft relief in her voice. He stiffened as she pressed her nose into his neckfur, but she didn't seem to notice.

**"Everything's set than. I slipped Mothwing a few extra poppy seeds, and I told the guards I was going out for some watermint. All that's left is to run. We can go far into the mountains and even further. Settle down in some nice forest, start a family, teach our kits how to heal…"**

The tom could feel the agony burning his tearducts, and he suddenly pulled away from her touch, blue eyes fighting a battle his mate could not help him in.

**"Run? No, I…"**

He felt the fear and uneasiness strike her in the chest like an icicle, and it pained him all the more.

**"Jay…? Jayfeather, what's wrong? This is what you wanted too, right?"**

Averting his gaze, the medicine cat was quiet for a moment, his thoughts racing wildly, his throbbing heart threatening to tear free from his chest and run from him at any moment. Oh dear Starclan, please tell him he was making the right choice…

**"No, Willowshine…. You… You're…"**

He gritted his teeth. He loved her. That was true, and would never change. But that confession killed him; tore at his soul from the inside out. He knew he needed to hurt her if he wanted to protect her. A simple, 'It's against the Warrior Code' or 'We'll be hurting our clans' would not suffice. She would find a way to convince him, or she would give up for now and then try again later. He knew she would; that was just how Willowshine had been made. She never stopped fighting; never.

The realization that he felt flooding off of his mate and fellow medicine cat made his stomach twist, and he forced himself to shrug off the touch of her tail on his shoulder.

**"Jay… Jay, please… It's okay to be afraid. I'm here, remember?"**

**"Afraid? I'm not afraid! It's not worth it; this. Running away, hurting my clanmates, betraying Starclan and everyone, becoming like my mother, leaving Lionblaze, abandoning the Warrior Code… It's not worth it! You're not worth it!"**

It came out harsher than he'd ever intended, and left his tongue with an icy chill that seeped into the rest of his body and numbed his thrumming heart. It was the hardest lie he'd ever had to tell; more painful even than realizing that his own life had been a lie. He heard her gasp of shock, smelled the tears fall before they eve started pouring, and he knew he would never forget it. He would never forget what it sounded like to hear a cat's heart break; he would never forget how it felt to give up the one thing he was sure of in life. He would never forgive himself, he knew, for giving up.

**"Then… Why couldn't you just say so in the first place? I thought you were special, Jayfeather. I thought from that first day that you were different, that you would _fight_, even if no one believed in you… But _I_ did! I believed in you when no one else would! If that's not worth anything to you, than neither is it to me! I won't let myself be the fool, Jayfeather! I won't stand here and watch you walk away so I can nurse a broken heart alone! The one who wasn't worth it was you! Everything I gave up, everything I did for you, everything I _loved_ about you… All of that…"** Her words held him enraptured, unable to move from his place.

**"Does not exist anymore… If I see your face up close again, if I hear your voice trying to reach out to my ears, or if I smell your scent heading my way… I will run, Jayfeather. I will run, and if you ever try chasing me again, I will not stop to wait for you."**

And then she was turning around and fleeing into the reeds, gone just like that. The tom stared blankly, his head knowing he had lost her, yet his heart falling far behind in the notion. And then it came to him, and his chest was seizing up, and his stomach was strangling itself, and his heart was crying out as a blinding, burning, agonizingly bright light consumed him.

..…..…..

Jayfeather woke with a start, eyes wide and unseeing despite his rapid breathing; the fear and shock from his dream still lingering painfully. He swallowed and closed his eyes, squeezing past the acidic nightmares. He felt someone stir beside him, and he silently thanked Starclan that the she-cat was still by his side.

**"Jay? Was it another dream?"**

The tom wanted to make some smart remark. After all, what kind of a tough feline gets scared over a mere dream? But instead, he found himself resting his neck across her body, his chin falling over her shoulder. She purred softly in content, and he closed his eyes again, the warmth of the den convincing him that all was well. In the clans, distances away from where they slept, Jayfeather knew Lionblaze would be waking up to another morning and wondering if his blind brother would ever return home. And Jayfeather knew that he would always regret leaving his littermate behind, but what he could not regret was that he still had this love; embarrassing and awkward as it could be- painful and harsh as it was, and as unforgiving towards himself as it made him, it was real. And the she-cat beside him was not a dream.

**"You know, Willowshine, I don't regret it. So thank you; for believing in me."**

When he received no response, he settled to sleeping once again. However, just before his thoughts faded into darkness, he swore he heard in the softest voice possible,

**"And thank you Jay, for loving me, and believing in yourself. If you ever find it in yourself to run, don't forget that I'll always be there to chase after; so please… Remember that I wouldn't have it any other way. By your side, I'm here to stay."**

**...**

Phew~  
Sorry if that was a bit confusing.  
Basically,  
for those who didn't get it,  
most of this story was about Jayfeather  
dreaming about what might've happened if he'd decided not  
to go and run away with Willowshine.

And in the end, you could say it's  
'sort of' a happy ending.  
Not for Lionblaze anyway =O  
Anyway,  
on a side-note:

I won't be updating **School of Schmaltz** or **Flowers Bloom at Dark**  
for a while due to business with school.  
But I'll try getting in new chapters as soon as possible.  
Thanks! =DDD


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